i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
