I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize