It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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