My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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