If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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