waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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