PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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