Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
