Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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