Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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