The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
