I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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