cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I wear drunk well.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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