Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
