I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
