im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
