Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
