How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
