I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
