I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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