I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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