I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
