2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
