If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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