apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
