Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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