Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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