Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize