"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
