you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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