Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It was confusing and full of hummus
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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