Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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