Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
