I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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