It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
