I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize