hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
