I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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