Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
