thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
