I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
