I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
