Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
