What did we do last night that was yellow?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Bring me that man meat
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
