She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
