mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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