she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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