so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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