god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
