Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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