My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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