It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
