More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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