my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
