Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
