You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sext me about skeletons
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
